Baby Ryan is two weeks old today. As usual, time is flying by.
We had an appointment at the Health Department at 8 o'clock this morning. Jordan started back to work at UPS yesterday morning (he started back at Home Depot last Monday), so he was not able to go with me and help juggle the two kids. My mom is in the hospital recovering from her double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery she had this past Friday, so she wasn't available to watch Rylee for me as she normally would if she didn't have to work. That means it was completely up to me to get myself and both kids up, dressed, fed, in the car, and to the Health Department by 8 o'clock this morning. It might not sound like much of a big deal to most people, but this was my first time out and about with both kids by myself. Just thinking about it stressed me out. I didn't want to do it. I didn't have a choice, though. Thankfully, I woke up on time (thanks to my alarm clock), even though I'm exhausted from two weeks of constantly-interrupted sleep during the night, and we made it to the Health Department on time. While we were there, they checked Ryan's weight, and he now weighs 10 pounds, 4 ounces. That means he has gained over a pound in less than a week (he weighed 9 pounds, 3 ounces at the doctor's office last Wednesday). I can't believe how quickly he's growing. He's definitely a healthy boy, praise the Lord. Anyway, overall, our trip to the Health Department actually wasn't that bad at all, other than the fact that we were there for almost two hours because they were running really behind. And as insignificant as a trip to the Health Department alone with two young kids may seem to most people, for me, it helped me realize that I CAN do this.
I CAN be a mom to two kids by myself. I know I'm not "Supermom", and I never will be - and that's okay. I know there will be some days that go much more smoothly than others. I know there will be days where I'm ready to scream at the top of my lungs and rip my hair out. I know there will be days where I just want to curl into the fetal position and cry. I know there will be days when I'll be ready to sell both kids to the local zoo. I know there will be days where I wonder what on earth God was thinking when He entrusted these two kids in my care. I know I will constantly doubt myself, and I will make my fair share of mistakes, but whether I always believe it or not, God knew what He was doing when He decided to bless me with each of my children, and I know He will equip me with the strength and ability to do what I need to do to take care of them as best as I can.
This year started out as the best year of my life and the worst year of my life all at the same time. I welcomed my son into the world just ten days before my mom had major surgery to hopefully get rid of her breast cancer. It has been an extremely difficult, emotional time for me. I have always been close to my mom, but I never realized just how much I needed her until I became a mom myself. My heart has been so torn over all of this. I so badly wish I could be with my mom, helping take care of her so she can recover as quickly as possible, and at the same time, I selfishly so badly wish she was here with me, helping me take care of my babies. I just want to be able to call her and know that, if I wanted or needed her to, she could drop whatever she was doing and come over to be with me. Right now, though, she can't, and that hurts me so badly, even though I know it's not how she wants it to be. I know she would be here with me if she could be. As hard as this whole situation is for my entire family, though, I know God is using it to strengthen each of us and draw us closer to Him. He will get us through this, one day at a time, and we will be okay.
There is a beautiful song called "Blessings" by a woman named Laura Story, and it really speaks to my heart right now with everything I'm going through as a new (again) mommy and dealing with my mom's illness. The last set of lyrics in the song are as follows:
"'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?"
I'm so thankful that, even in the midst of my trials, God can use something as "simple" as a song to remind me that He is with me. With Him, I CAN do this!
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