Dear Baby,
Hi. It's Mommy.
I can't sleep right now, so I thought I'd write you a letter. I know you will never actually read this, but I feel the need to write it anyway.
I'm sorry I don't have anything better to call you than "Baby", but you see - I only learned of your existence eleven days ago. I tried to think of names for you during these twelve days total, but Daddy and I hadn't had a chance to settle on one yet. We don't even know if you were a boy or a girl. And so, I will simply call you "Baby", but please know it is with the utmost love and affection.
I am going to do my best to get through this and write what I feel I need to write, but it's so hard. Mommy is very sad right now. My heart is hurting, and I feel so very empty inside.
You see, Baby - I lost you today.
God decided to keep you in Heaven with Him.
I've thought about you non-stop the past twelve days. I was already picturing what our family would be like with you in it.
I tried to think of creative ways to announce your upcoming arrival when we were ready to make you known to our family and friends.
I wondered what my due date was going to be. We were supposed to find out in a couple of weeks. I bet it would've been pretty close to your daddy's and big brother's birthdays in January.
I tried to imagine how we were going to set up your nursery in the bedroom right across the hall from mine and Daddy's bedroom in our new house. We were planning to move your sister into a "big girl" bed so you could use her crib.
I was anxious to have a "Big Brother" shirt made for Ryan so that anyone who saw it would know that you were coming.
I couldn't wait to tell our photographer that she was going to have another beautiful baby to photograph soon.
I tried to picture how big my belly would be at Christmastime while I attempted to help your big sister and brother open their presents. I wonder if I would've gotten as big with you as I did with your brother. He was a BIG boy.
Just last night, I rubbed my belly and talked to you. I told you that I was so excited about you, and that I loved you, and that I wanted you to hang in there and be strong. I didn't know at the time that you were already gone...
Some people may not understand why Mommy hurts so badly right now.
Some people may think, "You only knew about it for a couple of weeks."
Some people may think, "You never even saw it. You never even heard a heartbeat."
But I would venture to say that those same people probably don't understand the depth of a mother's love.
A mother's love is immediate.
A mother's love is infinite.
No, I didn't get to see you, Baby. I didn't get to hear your heart beat.
But I knew you were there.
And so I loved you.
And I always will.
Love,
Mommy
