100 Days

100 days ago, on a Monday morning, I went to my yearly "female exam" and found out I was going to be a mommy again. My third miracle baby was on the way. I was thrilled. But then, on a Friday morning, just 11 short days later, I got the phone call from a nurse at my doctor's office. I was standing in the parking lot at UPS waiting to pick up Jordan after he'd been out-of-town on business all week. Ryan was still strapped in his car seat, and Rylee was standing in front of hers, asking me over and over again when Daddy was going to be here. I was focused on my phone, though. I knew a nurse would be calling any minute with the results of my blood work. I had woken up that morning feeling a bit nauseous, and I remember thinking to myself, "This is a good sign," because maybe it meant that my morning sickness was starting to kick in. But then the phone rang. And somehow I knew, even before I answered. Suddenly, my stomach was in my throat, and I was hearing the nurse ask, "Have you experienced any cramping or bleeding...?" I can still hear her voice. So soft and hesitant, not wanting to tell me what she had to. But it was her job. "No... I haven't noticed anything. Everything's been normal..." How I managed to speak at all, I'm not sure. But then, she was saying it... "Your hCG levels have dropped significantly... I'm afraid it looks like you've miscarried..." And then the tears came - the ones I'd been holding back since the phone rang - and the nurse was silent on the other end of the phone, and Rylee was in my face asking, "Why are you crying, Mommy? Mommy, what's wrong?" And I stood there in the parking lot while the nurse explained to me that "sometimes, these things just happen" and asked me if I had any questions, and although I had a million all at once, I couldn't manage to get a single one out, and so instead I just muttered a weak "Thank you" between soft sobs before hanging up. And then, as if on cue, Jordan emerged from the UPS building with his boss, whom I had never met. And they were smiling as they walked toward me, and I did my best to wipe my eyes and nose, to no avail, and Jordan was looking at me mouthing, "Are you okay? What's wrong?" And I shook my head, trying to brush off his questions, and then they were in front of me, and Rylee was wrapped around Jordan's neck, and Ryan was shrieking, "Daddy! Daddy!" from his car seat, and Jordan's boss was shaking my hand and jokingly apologizing to me for keeping Jordan from me for too long and making me cry, and I did my best to go along with it all, tears still falling from my eyes. And then his boss left us, and Jordan looked at me and asked me again what was wrong, and I shook my head and stared at the asphalt for a few seconds before finally answering, "I lost the baby," and the sobs started up again as he asked me what I meant and how and why. And by the time we got home, my lower back was aching like it always does when it's time, and I knew it was coming. Jordan pulled the van into the front yard and put it in park, and in that moment, I felt it release. I walked into the house and went straight to the bathroom, and the deep red was glaring back at me. My baby really was gone.
Tonight, I am missing that baby. The one I never got to hold in my arms. The one I never even got to see. I am missing that baby more than words can describe. Tonight, I'm longing for the 21-week basketball-shaped belly I would have by now. Tonight, I am missing the little flutters and kicks I would be feeling by now. We would've been halfway to the finish line by now. We would've known "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" by now. But instead, my womb is empty tonight. My heart feels so empty tonight. This emptiness hurts. It bores into me... into the pit of my stomach and straight through to my heaving back between deep, heavy, continuous, uncontrollable sobs. My head is throbbing. I stare blankly in the mirror. Swollen red eyes with eyelashes glued together by tears stare back at me. The reflection triggers a new wave of sobs, and the cycle repeats. Lord, please take this grief from me. I miss my baby.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Dear Baby (Twelve Days)

Dear Baby,

Hi. It's Mommy.
I can't sleep right now, so I thought I'd write you a letter. I know you will never actually read this, but I feel the need to write it anyway.
I'm sorry I don't have anything better to call you than "Baby", but you see - I only learned of your existence eleven days ago. I tried to think of names for you during these twelve days total, but Daddy and I hadn't had a chance to settle on one yet. We don't even know if you were a boy or a girl. And so, I will simply call you "Baby", but please know it is with the utmost love and affection.
I am going to do my best to get through this and write what I feel I need to write, but it's so hard. Mommy is very sad right now. My heart is hurting, and I feel so very empty inside.
You see, Baby - I lost you today.
God decided to keep you in Heaven with Him.

I've thought about you non-stop the past twelve days. I was already picturing what our family would be like with you in it.
I tried to think of creative ways to announce your upcoming arrival when we were ready to make you known to our family and friends.
I wondered what my due date was going to be. We were supposed to find out in a couple of weeks. I bet it would've been pretty close to your daddy's and big brother's birthdays in January.
I tried to imagine how we were going to set up your nursery in the bedroom right across the hall from mine and Daddy's bedroom in our new house. We were planning to move your sister into a "big girl" bed so you could use her crib.
I was anxious to have a "Big Brother" shirt made for Ryan so that anyone who saw it would know that you were coming.
I couldn't wait to tell our photographer that she was going to have another beautiful baby to photograph soon.
I tried to picture how big my belly would be at Christmastime while I attempted to help your big sister and brother open their presents. I wonder if I would've gotten as big with you as I did with your brother. He was a BIG boy.
Just last night, I rubbed my belly and talked to you. I told you that I was so excited about you, and that I loved you, and that I wanted you to hang in there and be strong. I didn't know at the time that you were already gone... 

Some people may not understand why Mommy hurts so badly right now.
Some people may think, "You only knew about it for a couple of weeks."
Some people may think, "You never even saw it. You never even heard a heartbeat."
But I would venture to say that those same people probably don't understand the depth of a mother's love.
A mother's love is immediate.
A mother's love is infinite.
No, I didn't get to see you, Baby. I didn't get to hear your heart beat.
But I knew you were there.
And so I loved you.
And I always will.

Love,
Mommy

Kelly's Korner: SUYL Singles Link-Up (Michelle)

It has been 4 months - FOUR LONG MONTHS - since I posted my last blog entry. And I know that is TOTALLY unacceptable, and I absolutely deserve the award for "World's Worst Blogger", and I have SO much to catch you all up on in relation to life lately and my growing babies, BUT... all of that will have to wait for another day (hopefully... I really, really, REALLY do want to get back into blogging regularly). Today, I am not here to post anything about me. Today, I am here to write about my sweet friend, Michelle.

Kelly over at Kelly's Korner is currently hosting her fifth "Show Us Your Life: Singles" link-up, and after much thought/consideration and discussion with Michelle, I couldn't resist sharing a little bit about her. You just never know how God may choose to lead someone to the person He has chosen for them to spend their life with. (And considering the fact that five couples have met and gotten married as a result of Kelly's SUYL link-ups, I'd say it's worth a shot.) So, without further ado, meet Michelle:

The first and most important thing you should know about Michelle is that she is a devout Christian. She was raised in a Christian home and accepted Jesus Christ as her personal Lord and Savior at a young age. She seeks daily to follow God's will for her life, and her heart's deepest desire is to find a Godly man to share her life with and raise a family.

Some of Michelle's interests include aviation (she LOVES going to air shows), photography, meteorology, nature, organizing, reading, and traveling. She describes herself as a "country/western girl, but not completely country". She drives a truck and loves camo and boots, but she admits that she has never been fishing, hunting, or mud riding (although she is open to trying all of these activities). She is also an animal lover. She has two dogs, a cat, and a pet rabbit.

Michelle and one of her dogs, Belle

Michelle is praying for God to lead her to a man who seeks daily to exemplify the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galations 5:22-23). She understands that no one is perfect (and never will be), but she simply desires to find a man who strives to live for Christ and be the spiritual leader of his family.

Michelle is currently living in south Alabama, but would be willing to move if/when a strong relationship is developed and a future is clear. If you or someone you know would be interested in getting to know Michelle better, please leave a comment on this post, and I would be happy to pass the information on to her. God bless!

The Pioneer Woman's Banana Bread

I have never been a fan of bananas. I might be able to bring myself to eat a bite or two of one every now and then, but I REALLY have to be in the mood for it. Other than that, I'd prefer to have nothing to do with bananas... except when it comes to banana bread. I may not like bananas, but I love banana bread (no nuts, though, please). Go figure.
A week or so ago, my sweet husband brought home two bunches of bananas from the grocery store... and then proceeded to leave them on the kitchen counter and NOT eat them (he DOES like bananas... so does Rylee). A couple days ago, I walked into the kitchen to get something out of the fridge, and as I passed the counter where the bananas were sitting, neglected and still uneaten, I noticed they were covered in those telltale brown spots, as if to say, "If you don't eat me or do something with me soon, I'm going to go bad." I fed one to Rylee later that day, but since I knew there was no way she and Jordan would eat 12 bananas in the next day or two, I decided it'd be best if I just went ahead and made some banana bread.
The Pioneer Woman has a great recipe for banana bread that I've made once before, so I pulled it out again, gathered all the necessary ingredients, and got to baking. Here's the recipe:


Banana Bread

Ingredients:
2 sticks butter, softened
1 1/2 cups + 2tbls. sugar
3 whole eggs
1 1/2 cups mashed ripe bananas
4 cups + 2tbls. flour
1tsp. baking soda
1 1/2tsp. baking powder
1 1/2 cups sour cream

Preparation/Baking Instructions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Grease and flour bundt pan.
Cream butter and sugar together. Add eggs one at a time, beating for a few seconds after each addition. Add mashed bananas and beat.
Combine dry ingredients in a separate bowl.
Add dry ingredients and sour cream alternately to the mixing bowl. Beat well until all combined.
Pour into bundt pan and bake for 1 hour or until a toothpick comes out clean.
Invert on a cooling rack and allow cake to cool slightly before slicing and serving.


Since I had 12 bananas I needed to use up, I ended up making this recipe THREE times. I made two batches in a bundt pan as the recipe instructs, but I decided to divide the last batch into an 8-slot mini-loaf pan, baked at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. It was enough to make 16 mini-loaves. I added chocolate chips to half of them. I haven't tried banana bread with chocolate chips before, but I've heard it's extra yummy, so we'll see how they turned out. Anyway, my house now smells like banana bread (which I don't mind at all), and my family and I will be eating on banana bread for a while, but that's okay, too, because... well... it's yummy. I'm also going to take some to church tomorrow morning to share with our Sunday school class... cause I'm just that sweet.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. I know I still have a TON of backtracking/updating to do, but I'll try to get back to that another day. Until next time...

16 mini-loaves of banana bread

one of the two batches of banana bread I made in the bundt pan

I Got a Haircut

Last week, I got a haircut. Might not be a big deal to you, but it was to me. I have been wearing my hair long for years. Back in middle school (I think), I decided to grow my bangs out to be the same length as my hair, and I've had it that way ever since. Of course I've gotten trims periodically over the years, and I've usually had layers cut into it as well, but overall, it's been the same style for years. When I was pregnant with Rylee, I decided to get my hair cut a medium length and get long, side-swept bangs. I pretty much hated it. I have never been good about knowing how to style my hair, and the long bangs drove me crazy. I told myself I would never do that again. Well, it's been a couple of years, my bangs had grown out with the rest of my hair, and I was ready for a change again. As a mom of two little ones, I wanted something that wouldn't be so "in the way" all the time. My hair was so long that, any time I would lean over to pick up the baby, I couldn't even see him because my hair was all in my face. (Before you say it, I know what you're thinking... "Why not just pull it back in a ponytail?" Well... I don't always think of that. And even when I do, the baby just grabs a fist-full of hair and pulls it right out. So it's pointless.) So anyway, I decided I wanted to get my hair cut. And I mean really cut. I started looking online for pictures of medium-length hairstyles with bangs. Not those annoying, long, side-swept bangs again. No sir. I mean legit, straight-across-the-forehead bangs. I ended up finding this picture and fell in love (NOT with the girl... with her hair):

That's actress Emily Deschanel, big sister to actress Zooey Deschanel. I didn't know Zooey had a big sister, but anyway, I found this picture of her, and her hairstyle was exactly what I had in mind for myself. And how perfect is it that her name is Emily, too? It was like a sign or something, right? (Totally kidding.) So anyway, I took this picture with me to show my hairstylist, and I did it... I got my hair cut. Five inches - gone.
It's VERY different from what I've been used to all these years (especially the bangs), but I think I like it so far. I still don't have the first idea of how to style it to actually make it look like Emily Deschanel's (I need a hair straightener to do that... too bad I don't own one or even know how to use one...), but it feels a lot better, and it's nice to have a change. I've gotten several compliments on it, and people have told me I look like a more "mature" mom now, so I guess it's gone over well so far. So anyway, without further ado, here's what I look like now:

Ryan's 4-Month Check-Up

It has been almost a full month since my last post, and that really saddens/bothers me. I miss blogging, and I am SO behind on posting about life lately, but I tell ya... it's REALLY hard to find free time with two little ones to take care of. I only have about a two-hour window during the day when they are both down for a nap at the same time, but then I have a whole house full of things that need to be done, like dishes and laundry and vacuuming... the list just goes on and on. It's a day after day, never-ending cycle, and needless to say, it unfortunately doesn't leave much time for blogging (or reading, which is another passion of mine that I'm trying to pick back up). I realize I probably won't ever get caught up on all of the things I've wanted to post about the past several months, but I figure I've got to try to start somewhere. So, with that said, I wanted to attempt to post an update from Ryan's 4-month check-up at the pediatrician's office on Monday.
I don't even remember how old Ryan was when I last posted an update on him, but I really can't believe he's already 4 months old. He is such a sweet, happy baby. He is always smiling and laughing. He loves to reach for my face and try to pull me to him so he can give me big, wet "kisses". He can roll over from his back to his stomach. He sucks his thumb, just like his big sister. And boy oh boy, is he teething! I don't remember Rylee ever being very fussy while she was teething, and she didn't finally cut her first tooth until she was 10 months old (if I remember correctly), but Ryan has been pretty fussy the past week or so, and his hands are CONSTANTLY in his mouth, so it'll be interesting to see when he cuts his first tooth. Considering the fact that I'm nursing him, I'm in no rush for it to happen.
ANYWAY, on Monday of this week, it was time for me to take Ryan to the doctor for his 4-month check-up. The visit went well, and Dr. Trumbull was very pleased with how he's doing. He now weighs 17 pounds, 8 ounces, putting him in the 90th percentile of weight among other babies his age, and he is 26 3/4 inches long, putting him in the 97th percentile of length among other babies his age. He is a big, healthy baby, and I couldn't be more thankful. (He's currently wearing 6-month sized clothes, but based on his weight and height, it's time to move him up to 9-month clothes! Crazy!) Dr. Trumbull told me we can take Ryan off of his Zantac medicine soon, which I was happy to hear, and he discussed the importance of having him on a schedule, which I've already been working on with him for about two months. He's been sleeping through the night for about a month now (praise the Lord!), and he's doing really well going down for his naps every day. Dr. Trumbull told me to start him on infant cereal in about a month, and a couple weeks after that, we'll start vegetables and fruits. My baby is growing up fast! At the end of the appointment, Ryan had to get three shots and an oral vaccination (which I think is just as hard - if not harder - on me than it is on him), so he was pretty pitiful the rest of the day. Overall, though, he's doing great, and I'm so thankful for such a precious blessing from the Lord. Here are some pictures I snapped of Ryan at the pediatrician's office while we were waiting for the doctor to come in:

First Family Trip to the Zoo

A couple weeks ago, back on March 29th, some of our sweet friends from church, Heath and Brittany, invited us to join them and their precious baby girl, Addisyn, in a trip to the local zoo. We hadn't been to the zoo since before Rylee was born, so we were excited to visit it again and see how Rylee would react to seeing all the different animals for the first time. She has a few animal books here at home that she loves looking through, so I was hoping she would recognize several of them at the zoo based on their pictures in her books.
When we got there, we decided to go ahead and buy a one-year zoo membership so we can visit as many times as we want to for free throughout the next year. We also bought the train pass so we can ride the train as many times as we want to while we're there.
Between walking around to look at all of the animals, stopping to eat a picnic lunch, riding the train, and playing on the playground, we ended up spending about five hours there. Rylee seemed to really enjoy it, which makes me anxious to go back with her again soon. Ryan was asleep in his stroller basically the whole time we were there, but considering he's only three months old, that was to be expected. I know he'll enjoy the zoo a lot more as he gets older and becomes more aware of his surroundings.
Anyway, we had a great time enjoying God's amazing creations and making special memories with our friends and our little family. Below are some pictures from our day at the zoo. They're out of order, which totally drives me crazy, but believe it or not, I don't feel like trying to fix them.

riding the train

our friends: Heath, Brittany, and Addisyn (and Rylee looking at the monkeys)

my pretty girl, ready for her first trip to the zoo

swinging on the playground

swinging on the playground

swinging on the playground

swinging on the playground

swinging on the playground